Musings of a college graduate

This past weekend I escaped San Diego and flew to Dallas to meet up with a friend from high school. He paid for my ticket, the hotel, and all the activities we partook in during the weekend. I had such an amazing time. When I was initially going to visit I was very worried. I was worried that we wouldn’t feel the same when we finally saw each other, I was worried that it wasn’t going to make sense anymore, and I was worried that I wouldn’t want to leave him. The whole way there, I was annoyed with him. Call me a brat but I was. I wasn’t sure why he didn’t plan on us eating dinner together and I didn’t like how excited he was. However, once I landed and I got over the fact that he didn’t pick me up at baggage claim - I fell in love. I stared at him all weekend, I watched his movements, and I held his hand. I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I didn’t want to let him go. I had him, in my life, hand in hand. We kissed, we laughed, we fought (a minor disagreement), but through it all I felt incredibly happy. I didn’t want to leave him. I held him tight at night and sleeping next to him felt “right”. After being alone for the past two years, I felt comfortable to bring down my walls and to let him in. As we continued to explore each other, physically and mentally, we found a connection we just couldn’t shake. As I was leaving Dallas, Steve asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. My heart still skips a beat at the thought of him.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. An old friend from high school added me on Facebook and we’ve been talking ever since. He is a breath of fresh air. It’s been a while that I’ve been able to find joy in a guy. I’ve been avoiding them like the plague but then he comes along and literally, changes the game. I’ve been so happy the past few weeks and I honestly don’t want it to end. There’s been a lot of things happening in my life, a lot of stress and a lot of inner battles with myself. He’s been able to guide me through and to reassure me that things will be alright. I’ve missed his friendship terribly and I am so excited to have him back in my life. He’s funny and full of life. He loves me, he respects me and he trusts me. However, it is complicated. He’s in the Air Force and stationed in Louisiana. I’m still here, in San Diego. How is this going to work? I guess for now, I’ll go with the flow. We’re enjoying each other’s company the best way we can: email, texting and phone calls. I can’t wait to see him in May.

I’m writing because lately I’ve been thinking about you. Not in a “longing” way but simply in a “I miss my friend” way. It’s been a year and a half since we really spoke to each other. I know this may seem weird and you’re probably wishing I didn’t send this. I’m sure you’re happy in your current relationship and I guess you could say that I am at the point where I am happy for you. You deserve to smile every day, man, you have a great smile. You also deserve to laugh and love. You love harder than any person I ever met in my entire life.

I’m so honored to have met you and to have been able to call you mine at one point. You will forever hold a place in my memory as someone who was strong and loving and always put others before yourself. You are the most unselfish person I know.

I’m writing because I miss you. Simple as that. I know this email seems weird and I probably shouldn’t have sent it but you also deserve to know that your absence has left a void in my life and I’m looking forward to filling it something as great as you have now.

Forever,
Your Exgirlfriend

I went on a date on Wednesday night. In my opinion, it was a good date. We went to a bar and both had one drink. We talked and while there were pauses in the conversation and I thught we were both fairly interested in getting to know one another. However, I felt a weird disconnect. He kept looking over my head and around the room and I felt at one point that I should just end the date. I was confused. We seemed to have good conversation but his body language told me he just wasn’t interested in being there. At one point I asked him if he would like another beer, he said no and asked if I wanted another, I told him since he didn’t want one it was okay. He then asked if I was ready to go, I asked if he was since I drove to the bar. About 30-40 minutes after that exchange, we leave. I drive us back to Old Town and as we pulled up next to his car, he unbuckled his seat belt and I thought he was going to leave. But… he didn’t. He just sat there talking some more. Eventually, he says he should get going, he gives me a hug and then he leaves. When I got home I didn’t receive a text message and I thought, maybe he didn’t feel a connection… well, I kind of felt like he didn’t all night. Then the next day, he sends me a text. I’m confused. Are you or are you not interested? Do I just not know how to date anymore?

Titled: I Can’t Do It

I can’t do it. I can’t separate you and me from the intimacy we share. I can’t separate you from your girlfriend and me from you. You have two women wanting to be with you, to share your space, and have your attention. I have been content with our method of communication and the lack of face-to-face encounters. However, the other night at the bar was when reality hit me. You have a girlfriend. She might even live with you for all I know. She calls you when she has time and you have to take her call. Maybe you answer the phone because you love her and you don’t want her to worry about you or maybe you answer the phone because you know she’s coming over tonight and can’t wait to see you. Either way, you left me at the bar and you answered your phone. When you came back, it was as though nothing happened and because you acted as though nothing happened, I went along with you. Then we ended up in the backseat of my car, after walking and kissing. Kissing and hugging. We talked about how we wish we had more privacy and I joked that one of us should get a house. You said you couldn’t bring me home because your neighbors were nosey. This got my brain thinking; if they’re looking out for your girlfriend then you must have made them love her just as much as you do.

It’s the end. The end of 6 very confusing but blissful years. I am sad. I cried for two days. My heart literally felt like it broke in half. I wish there was something I could say to make him come back but I also know, this was the best for both of us. He said it was time to move on and let me go. He still had feelings for his exgirlfriend and I was just in the way for any reconciliation. But 6 years we’ve been doing this dance, back and forth. Speaking of hope and of the future. He use to be so hopeful but as his girlfriend made her way into his heart, I was moved aside. At least… that’s how it feels.

Now it’s time to move on and I kind of don’t know where to go.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how I got myself caught up in this situation. I mean, there was a time when you wanted to be with me and that made me excited. You would send me these emotional emails about your feelings and how “one day” we would be together. It was something you wanted. Now, it feels like you didn’t send those emails but another version of you. Your actions and life in general has made you such a jaded person, it’s difficult for me to comprehend how we still ended up outside the bar that night. I won’t bother quoting you from emails or even by conversation but know that, I was never waiting around for you but simply hoping to see the person who genuinely liked me and wanted to be with me. Now all I have are these empty experiences with you. The nights you came over and occupied my bed, while comforting at the time seem so empty and lonely now. The text messaging throughout the day and night, while appreciated at the time, make it seem like you were only doing it to keep me satisfied. I didn’t need the constant communication with a person who didn’t want to be with me. I feel lied to. I want the older version of you back. The person who was so hopeful and caring and wanted to spend time with me.

My life feels incomplete but I would rather that feeling than feeling used.

On Sunday night I received a text message from an exboyfriend of mine, let’s call him, Mr. Big (but only for his bad timing). I haven’t talked to him since his birthday in April and I was certain he had finally moved on. Anyway, he was “drunk” and listening to Bruce Springsteen and asked me if I was listening as well. We sent messages back and forth and then he asked to come over. I didn’t think long enough to consider the consequences and just said “Yes.” Well, he came over and it was like we never stopped talking. Everything just fell back into place and I felt safe. I felt happy, I felt… oddly complete. I asked him why he decided to contact me and he told me how he thought I would email him on Father’s Day… and although I felt bad, I didn’t think it was appropriate based on our last conversation. He basically asked me to give him space so I obliged. I thought that by his reappearance he was single and wanted to start talking to me again. I didn’t ask out-right. I just asked if I should add his number back to my phone and if it was okay to text. He said, “Yes of course.” Then I told him that if we going to do this, hang out and what not, he was going to need to be more available. I told him I didn’t need him to commit or go out of his way to see me but I wanted him to be considerate and spend time with me, not just pop in and out of my life… to which he agreed. I felt I was right to assume he was single without asking. We spent the night together and it was great, as always. I mean, maybe I just like the idea of having someone in my bed. I liked being held and feeling another’s body warmth. I woke up in his arms and I felt at ease with my thoughts and feelings. Later that morning, he kissed me good bye and he was gone.

However… my brain got to thinking. I started reliving the night in my head, going over all the details, dissecting all the words. I couldn’t help but notice some odd things. I then decided I need to straight up ask him if he was single. The dreaded question but I knew I knew the answer based on how my body felt about it. I was nervous because I didn’t want to view that night as a “booty call.” We’re better than that… right? Well, come to find, he’s not “technically” single, his words, not mine. My heart sank, my throat tightened up and my eyes swelled with tears. I wasn’t okay with this. I wasn’t happy anymore, I felt used, I felt cheap, I felt easy. I never wanted him to view me as that person that would always be there no matter what. But I am… and I don’t know how to change that. He, unfortunately, has this ridiculous hold on me and I can’t resist. I’m just so sad that a great night turned into something… not so great.

Let me just preface this by saying that I had previously stated that I would never write about this particular exboyfriend again but I was trigged at the Jenny and Johnny show and decided to let it all out.

This weekend I was thinking about how my exboyfriend is now dating someone. They’ve been dating, I want to say, since the the day we broke up. I’ve been single since the day we broke up. Sure, I went on a few dates in October with a guy, then met two others in November and stopped talking to all of them by March. However, I never once thought about going steady with them. I never wanted to tie myself down because I knew it would be the cowardly thing to do. I didn’t want to attach myself to another person just for the sake of not wanting to be alone. Sure, I’m not taking into account genuine feelings but you know what? Fuck that. We dated for 3 and a half years. We talked about getting married, what we would name our kids, where we would live, how we would deal with family. We argued over fuckin’ money that neither one of us had. We lived together. We shared everything. We made love nightly. We were SOMETHING. Those were genuine emotions. THOSE were genuine blood (well, not really) more like smiles, sweat and tears. Now, we don’t even speak. Nothing.

I’m not saying I’m better than him but I am saying he’s a coward for jumping into a relationship right away. I don’t know how everyone copes with things but I know you can’t really get over a relationship by replacing it with another. It only places a band aid over a bullet wound. But what do I know? It’s only a year later and I’m still in the “getting over the relationship” process. So what if I’m slow? I’m only moving slow so that when the next guy comes along I’m emotionally ready and completely moved on from the former. But maybe that’s just me. Why confront something so emotionally draining when you can cover it up with another person and the problems they bring? If I had nothing better to do or if I didn’t care about myself I would do the same thing.

You’re a coward or I’m just a bitter bitch. Either/or.
Also I just drank almost a whole bottle of wine. Or whine. EITHER/OR.