Musings of a college graduate

I’m writing because lately I’ve been thinking about you. Not in a “longing” way but simply in a “I miss my friend” way. It’s been a year and a half since we really spoke to each other. I know this may seem weird and you’re probably wishing I didn’t send this. I’m sure you’re happy in your current relationship and I guess you could say that I am at the point where I am happy for you. You deserve to smile every day, man, you have a great smile. You also deserve to laugh and love. You love harder than any person I ever met in my entire life.

I’m so honored to have met you and to have been able to call you mine at one point. You will forever hold a place in my memory as someone who was strong and loving and always put others before yourself. You are the most unselfish person I know.

I’m writing because I miss you. Simple as that. I know this email seems weird and I probably shouldn’t have sent it but you also deserve to know that your absence has left a void in my life and I’m looking forward to filling it something as great as you have now.

Forever,
Your Exgirlfriend

On Sunday night I received a text message from an exboyfriend of mine, let’s call him, Mr. Big (but only for his bad timing). I haven’t talked to him since his birthday in April and I was certain he had finally moved on. Anyway, he was “drunk” and listening to Bruce Springsteen and asked me if I was listening as well. We sent messages back and forth and then he asked to come over. I didn’t think long enough to consider the consequences and just said “Yes.” Well, he came over and it was like we never stopped talking. Everything just fell back into place and I felt safe. I felt happy, I felt… oddly complete. I asked him why he decided to contact me and he told me how he thought I would email him on Father’s Day… and although I felt bad, I didn’t think it was appropriate based on our last conversation. He basically asked me to give him space so I obliged. I thought that by his reappearance he was single and wanted to start talking to me again. I didn’t ask out-right. I just asked if I should add his number back to my phone and if it was okay to text. He said, “Yes of course.” Then I told him that if we going to do this, hang out and what not, he was going to need to be more available. I told him I didn’t need him to commit or go out of his way to see me but I wanted him to be considerate and spend time with me, not just pop in and out of my life… to which he agreed. I felt I was right to assume he was single without asking. We spent the night together and it was great, as always. I mean, maybe I just like the idea of having someone in my bed. I liked being held and feeling another’s body warmth. I woke up in his arms and I felt at ease with my thoughts and feelings. Later that morning, he kissed me good bye and he was gone.

However… my brain got to thinking. I started reliving the night in my head, going over all the details, dissecting all the words. I couldn’t help but notice some odd things. I then decided I need to straight up ask him if he was single. The dreaded question but I knew I knew the answer based on how my body felt about it. I was nervous because I didn’t want to view that night as a “booty call.” We’re better than that… right? Well, come to find, he’s not “technically” single, his words, not mine. My heart sank, my throat tightened up and my eyes swelled with tears. I wasn’t okay with this. I wasn’t happy anymore, I felt used, I felt cheap, I felt easy. I never wanted him to view me as that person that would always be there no matter what. But I am… and I don’t know how to change that. He, unfortunately, has this ridiculous hold on me and I can’t resist. I’m just so sad that a great night turned into something… not so great.

Let me just preface this by saying that I had previously stated that I would never write about this particular exboyfriend again but I was trigged at the Jenny and Johnny show and decided to let it all out.

This weekend I was thinking about how my exboyfriend is now dating someone. They’ve been dating, I want to say, since the the day we broke up. I’ve been single since the day we broke up. Sure, I went on a few dates in October with a guy, then met two others in November and stopped talking to all of them by March. However, I never once thought about going steady with them. I never wanted to tie myself down because I knew it would be the cowardly thing to do. I didn’t want to attach myself to another person just for the sake of not wanting to be alone. Sure, I’m not taking into account genuine feelings but you know what? Fuck that. We dated for 3 and a half years. We talked about getting married, what we would name our kids, where we would live, how we would deal with family. We argued over fuckin’ money that neither one of us had. We lived together. We shared everything. We made love nightly. We were SOMETHING. Those were genuine emotions. THOSE were genuine blood (well, not really) more like smiles, sweat and tears. Now, we don’t even speak. Nothing.

I’m not saying I’m better than him but I am saying he’s a coward for jumping into a relationship right away. I don’t know how everyone copes with things but I know you can’t really get over a relationship by replacing it with another. It only places a band aid over a bullet wound. But what do I know? It’s only a year later and I’m still in the “getting over the relationship” process. So what if I’m slow? I’m only moving slow so that when the next guy comes along I’m emotionally ready and completely moved on from the former. But maybe that’s just me. Why confront something so emotionally draining when you can cover it up with another person and the problems they bring? If I had nothing better to do or if I didn’t care about myself I would do the same thing.

You’re a coward or I’m just a bitter bitch. Either/or.
Also I just drank almost a whole bottle of wine. Or whine. EITHER/OR.

Today I found myself listening to an old “mix” my exboyfriend (from 5 years ago) made for me when we were talking again. Gosh, all the way back in 2007. We dated in 2005 and broke up the same year. Then we didn’t talk again until the end of 2006. Anyway, I was listening to this mix that I still have on my iPod and decided to look up the email. Ahhh… my skin is tingling and my heart is pounding. I hate to think he’s gone for good but I’m sure he did it for the best.

“Song 1. The Promise Ring
album: Electric Pink
Song: Make Me a Mix Tape
A fun way to begin the mix.
now lets slow it down a bit.

Song 2. The Gloria Record
Album: The Gloria Record
Song: Ode to New Grass
What is more hopeful then spring?

Song 3. Bloc Party
album: Silent Alarm.
Song: So Here We Are
This one ends on a good note so because it had ended so hopefull i felt it belonged here. I hope I can see again…I think I may already.

Song 4. Interpol
Album: Turn on the Bright Lights
Song: The New
Ok, I remember trying to play you this song two summers ago and couldnt figure out what song it was. This song sounded perfect to me when I first listend a few years back and it summed up my own thoughts well and how I felt not too long ago. The acceptance of the futility in the present with the notion of hope for the future.

Song 5. Texas Is the Reason
Album: S/T Ep
Song: Antique(number 2)
Subtleties.

All right, lets kick it up a notch as Emiril would say.

Song 6. Mineral
Album: Mineral
Song: Five, Eight, and Ten
This song speaks for itself. I am almost certain I played this one for you. No, I know for a fact I did. Oh, its good, and it is a good segue to the more rockin stuff. The last couple of lines are crucial.

Song 7. Samiam
Album: Astray
Song: Sunshine
This one is for you. I hope you listen and realize how important you really are. There is something about you that attracts people. Just as I held on to alot that you never knew I had thought of you there may be more poeple, and it doesnt have to be dudes wanting to get with you, but girl friends who appreciate your company and your willingness to listen and of what you have to say.

Song 8. Gameface
Album: Cupcakes
Song: Chasing the Sun
Its gameface.

Song 9. The Draft
Album: In a Million Pieces
Song: New Eyes Open
I first heard this song live in January at the show with avail. It rocked live. A sing along song. I bought the record, went home, listend and found myself singing with it and thinking of you.

Song 10. Bruce Springsteen
Album: Nebraska
Song: Atlantic City
I said I would try and make a mix geared to a hopeful future and felt I needed to end with this song. It is just that. The down and out going for it all with nothing but hope on their side. Maybe one of his best songs.”

One night, the Musician and I were laying in bed. In all honesty, I can’t remember what brought this particular subject up but I do remember him moving in closer to hold me. As he held me, he said, “Maybe we’re just two lonely people.”

Wait, what did he just say?

Was all this in vain? Was this a way to fill the void? Was I suppose to not make him feel lonely anymore?

My mind raced a mile a minute and all I could think of was how lonely I wasn’t. I mean, sure, I have my moments where I’m laying in bed and I miss the warmth of another’s body but I’m not lonely. I would never say to another person, a “romantic” interest, that I am lonely. Never. Cause I’m not and I’m not hoping that that person fills the void.

I remember pulling away, if only for a second to say, “I’m not lonely…”

And that was that. End of the conversation.

This brings up other topics involving him, like my inability to not take the fact that he has not asked or even mentioned hanging out with me in the past month personally. I am taking it personal. Although he told not to, how could I not? I told him, that yes, I do take it somewhat to heart and he ensured me it wasn’t the case, he wasn’t in the “mood,” he’s been “broke,” he’s “crazy”, okay, he didn’t say the last thing but I thought it. Anyway, the point is, he did not wish me a Merry Christmas, or a Happy New Year. He did try to chat with me on Gmail chat, which I missed.

However, an exboyfriend has reentered my life. Right when the Musician disappeared, Mr. “Big” comes back. Well… I guess I can’t complain. I always enjoyed Mr. “Big“‘s company… and not to mention, kissing him.

I hope you and your coworker (the one you said you would never date) have an amazing relationship. Yes, I know. Yes, I care. No, I do not care enough to cry about it. Nice try. Good luck at Skechers you two!

Tonight I was talking with my co-worker, S, and I was telling him that I think that my honesty can sometimes lead to my own demise. I mean, I’ve always been a pretty honest person. If you give me an ear, you’ll probably hear my life story. When it comes to dating, I’ve heard how important it is to not talk about past relationships or to reveal too much at once. Now, I can understand where people are coming from when they tell me this but I’m just not that type of person! I want you to know things about me because eventually, you’re going to hear about it and I want to know right now if you’re tough enough to deal with it and stick around. If not, good riddance! I really don’t have the patience to deal with someone who can’t handle the past. Mistakes are mistakes, the past is the past and exes are exes for a reason. I mean, yes, some stories can be a little heavy but it’s important to decide whether or not you can deal with that baggage. Of course I wouldn’t bring up my horrible break up on the first date but if I’m feeling vulnerable on the first date, I will let the person know that I am a work in progress and that I am being careful. That’s just me though. How honest is too honest??